Engagement Season

It’s engagement season. You want to know how I know this? Because I live in the mountains, and for some odd reason when the humans want to profess their love, they come up here. I don’t know if it will ever stop being awkward when I stumble upon the proposals and have to sneak away slowly while these men say the cheesiest lines. We all know you’re lying. Luckily, no one really notices me, they’re too distracted by their… romance… excuse me, I gagged.

See, I’m not really into love. It seems like too much work. I’m quite comfortable in my cave by myself. I don’t have to share my berries with anyone, dishes are always done, and I don’t have to pick up dirty laundry off the floor. I never have to fight over where I’m going to eat that night- I know this is a problem for the humans because when couples go hiking they spend hours arguing about restaurants, to the point that I even want to yell out, “just pick a d*** restaurant, Woman!”

Every year, especially in the winter, I start getting kind of lonely. Then engagement season comes and I’m healed again. There’s so many people tramping up here to build their fires and set out flannel blankets; by the way- don’t act like all those pictures you set out are important, you always leave them behind! However, these pictures decorate my cave quite nicely, so maybe I shouldn’t complain about them. I even keep bets on which ones will last the longest. Neil and Molly- I’ve got a big handful of skipping stones riding on you, don’t screw this up.

Let me tell you, the best part of engagement season is the girls that say no. You can see it coming a mile away. She starts to catch on and gets real nervous. My cue to pull up a rock, get a bowl of pinecones, and let the drama ensue. It’s better than watching Big Horns knock skulls, and trust me that’s some quality entertainment. I always follow them back down the trail because the tense silence mixed with failed explanations is to die for!

Anyway, I hope the best for you recently engaged. Who am I kidding!? That’s a lie. But please continue to provide me with unequaled entertainment for the past few months.

Till next time Lovers,

The Squatch

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